so guys,

i think im going to be deleting my tumblr. I barely use it anymore and I doubt anyone has missed me or noticed I was gone. Thank you for always being there for me and dealing with me. You guys are absolutely amazing. Never give up, never let anyone tell you that your not important because you are. Give life a chance. Do everything you wanna do in life, make the most of it. This is our one and only life, and we need to live it for us and leave nothing but good memories with the people we love. Please have confidence in yourself. Do not let anyone get you down. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!


I know I don’t have many followers, but if it isn’t too much to ask I would like for everyone to just take a second to read my story. The pictures above are a summary of my life the past two years. From my first date with Christian, to my first and only prom with him, to finding out I was pregnant and starting our family. As you can see the past two years have sort of been a roller coast ride for me, with plenty of ups and downs. But I can easily say they were the best two years of my life. There are a few dates I will never forget, starting with February 26th, 2012. That was the day me and christian officially started our relationship. The next date is July 11th, 2012. The day I found out I was approximately 7 weeks pregnant. January 12th, 2013, the day we moved into our little house. Then February 13th, 2013. The day my son, Noah Clark Carden came into the world. I’ll never forget June 8th, 2013, the day Christian was taken to jail (just a minor probation violation), and July 23rd, 2013, the day he was released. After that, the dates are all kind of just a blur and a flash of good memories. Until, October 30th, 2013. That is the night Christian died. I found him, he had committed suicide. I stayed by his side until the ambulance arrived, but he had no heart beat. I followed them to the hospital and as soon as they resuscitated him and he was stable they allowed me in his room. At first I sat by his side holding his hand, and I just cried. He was breathing on his own through a tube, and a machine was doing most of the work for his heart. Just when I lost all hope one of the nurses told me, “You know you can talk to him, right? Hearing is always the last thing to go in a situation like this”. So I did, I told him many things. Countless times I told him how much I loved him. How much me and Noah needed him. That if he would just fight for me, and come back, that God would give us another chance to do things right and to be a family. I just went on and on, and when I looked up, his eyes were half open and he was crying. Tears streaming down his face. That’s when I knew.. he wasn’t going to be able to come back to me, and he knew it too. But I stayed there, I stayed by his side until they called his death and removed the machines. And for an additional two hours I sat there with my head on his chest, and I played with his hair because that was his favorite thing. I stayed until the nurses said it was time to go, I looked at him, whispered I love you, kissed him on the forehead, and I walked out. Christian suffered from depression, but not a lot of people knew that because he never reached out to anyone. He had stopped his antidepressants, but he didn’t let anyone know. He truly felt that if he died nobody would miss him, that we were all better off without him.. well he was wrong. But he couldn’t help that he felt this way, he was sick. People don’t understand how severe a mental illness can be just because you cannot see it. So this post has two messages in it. ONE, if you are depressed and you feel like you have no purpose, like you are not loved, well you are WRONG. There are many people out there that will be affected and deeply hurt to lose you. Christian didn’t realize that until it was too late. And two, if you are having suicidal thoughts… reach out to someone.. anyone. You can even message me day or night, and I will talk if you want to talk, or listen if you want me to listen. Don’t keep things hidden, and don’t feel embarrassed, scared, or ashamed.. please. You are not unwanted, you are not any different, you are depressed, and there is a cure. I would give anything to go back and tell Christian all of this, why I waited until it was too late… I dont know. And I will never forgive myself. So don’t make that mistake. Life is too short to spread hate, to hold grudges, to cut ties. Instead forgive, spread love, and find happiness. Christian always told me how much he loved to make other people happy, and it was true. I can’t name all the favors that were left unreturned.. but he didn’t care. He did it for the joy of making someones day. He was such a people pleaser, if he couldn’t make somebody happy, he felt like he had failed. What he didn’t understand is that it wasn’t his responsibility to make others happy, but he took on the challenge anyways. When other people were hurting, Christian took in their pain as his own. Everyday took a toll on him, to the point where the pain was unbearable. But you would have never known if you met him. He would flash that smile and release every bit of happiness he had until he had none left. I know it seems cliche, but it is true. Reblog this to spread Suicide Awareness. If my story can help save just one life, well then I will feel accomplished. And if Christian knew he started something to inspire others, to bring someone to reach deep down inside and find their own inner happiness, and give them a reason to live, well then he would feel accomplished too. So please, help me do this for him. I may not have worded this exactly how I wanted to, or got everything out, but I think I did the best I could at this point.



I am so sorry that the world had to see so many innocent lives be taken in the past decade and of course the past in general, so much hate and violence has been a product of our ever evolving lives. Over the past seventeen years I have witnessed so much of that violence and hate. I was six when the nine eleven attacks happened but I wasn’t quite old enough to understand the degree of terror everyone felt, I remember how selfish I was because I asked, “Mum, where are the cartoons?” She just turned the TV off. I remember when I was seven, possibly eight, I had just learned about the meaning of war and the wars in Iraq and how my country was involved, I was petrified for months that my home was going to be bombed because of the involvement of my country. This is the first time I really felt absolute terror, and hatred for our world and the way it functioned. Since then there have been mass bombings, high profile murders, suicide bombings, mass shootings, the assassination of a terrorist leader, serial killers, rapists, gay bashings, the Westboro Baptist Church and even road rage is coming up to the same level. These are all things that horrify me, make me sick to my stomach, my heart ache, me cry my eyes out, yet they’re is so little one person can do about it! I wish I could change more and I like to think one day I can, but for now I just hope the glorifying of violence is toned down I hope the families and the Newtown community can bounce back from this terrible tragedy when the time is right. I have so much respect for the teachers that lost their lives protecting children that they could, the emergency teams that responded to the scene and put themselves in a terrible position but pushed through. And the families that are burying their children, that shouldn’t happen the children should bury the parents. R.I.P to the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary tragedy. May you be at peace and in the arms of each other.

I’ll tell you what the end of the world will be like.. It will be a final moment; both terrible and heartbreaking.. absolute chaos. People running as fast as they ever have, cars filling every road and freeway, phone lines backed up trying to process millions of calls, fingers flying over keyboards, thumbs texting like rapid fire, long lines of people trying to cram themselves into subways and airplanes. All of them trying to tell someone else, I love you, it’s not the end of the world yet, but don’t wait until then to tell her. The worst thing isn’t the end of the world, it’s what you didn’t finish.. What you didn’t say when you had the chance.

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